Are you a woman in her 40s who’s trying to date but you’re confused if you’re making it right? 

Would you like to be sure that on the next date, you’re doing or saying the right things? 

I bet you do. So, let’s make it right…

For us women in our 40s dating can be a complicated task. We, for sure, don’t want to stay alone, but we’re also faced with so many new rules that confuse the hell out of us. We have the impression that men have a lot of choices and that we have to somehow stand out from the crowd, otherwise, other women will take what’s meant to be ours. So, we start questioning everything about ourselves. Sometimes we overthink so much that it seems to be easier to stay home and watch Netflix than to deal with all the challenges that dating brings with it. 

If you’re one of us then, these things might be preventing you from enjoying the process of finding the one. Once on a date, you might be asking yourself:

“Am I interesting enough?” “Am I saying the right things?” “Am I funny enough?” “Am I asking too many questions?” “Do I look like I’m not interested?” “Can he see that I’m nervous?” “Am I talking too much?” “What am I going to say next?” “Am I impressing him enough?” “Can he see my belly? I shouldn’t eat bread for lunch, dang!” “Let me see what he might like and let me do/say that.” “Omg, my brain went blank, I’m screwed!” “Maybe I shouldn’t laugh, my wrinkles are less visible” “Does he like me?”… 

Can you recognize yourself? I can. Everything I mentioned above, I’ve personally experienced. I tried everything to be impressive to men but in revenge, my dating life sucked. And I suffered, from exhaustion. Exhaustion of making it perfect, of making it right, to be liked, to say the right things… I would torture myself until the moment I realized that I go insane! Then I remembered what my old good friend Einstein said: 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Oops! I have to change something to have a different outcome. Well of course. And I did it.

Now it’s your turn to look at things differently. Ready? 

 1. Perfection is a turn-off

No man on this planet wants a perfect woman. Please, keep this in mind. What men want is a real woman. A woman who’s not perfect, who’s aware of her imperfections and is comfortable with them. If you are “perfect” you’re perceived as difficult to follow, you become too much of a challenge. A man will think that he also has to be perfect if he stays by your side, which is impossible. He’s aware of their flaws and he wants to know that you have them too, because only then he can relate to you. If he can relate to you, he can emotionally connect to you. 

So, stop desperately making everything look perfect, let your imperfections peak through a little bit. Let yourself be vulnerable. Let yourself be real, be human. 

 2. Your uniqueness is your biggest strength 

This world lacks authenticity. Everyone wants to be something else. Social media are full of fake happiness, fake perfection, fake relationships, and fake wealth. Why do we want to be something else so desperately? Because we doubt ourselves. We doubt our worth. We doubt that what we bring to the table is not good enough. We take for granted our uniqueness, not being able to see that our uniqueness is our biggest strength in the world of countless copies. 

So, to be truly memorable and interesting to men you have to let your authenticity shine through, without trying hard to be something you’re not. Even if you think that being you might seem to be repelling. 

I am a boring person, I don’t like socializing, and I’m blunt and sarcastic. I have hobbies and passions that are not interesting to the masses. I like to intellectualize a lot and make people think – which is not always a good thing. I am confusing af. But I remain me, no matter what. Even if I thought that my uniqueness might be repelling it proved to be the opposite. My uniqueness became very attractive to others because if I allow my authentic self to express itself without being suppressed, doubted, or shamed, I permit others to uncover their uniqueness and feel comfortable about it and around me. 

So letting yourself be you, you’re letting others be themselves. And people crave to show who they really are without acting and pretending. They want to be accepted. And if you accepted yourself, chances are you’ll accept them too. Therefore they’ll be more likely to stick to you because you make them feel good about themselves.

 3. Turn the tables

“I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they like me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.” – Shivam Pander

This mindset changed my whole life, especially when it comes to dating. 

When you stop trying hard to impress and start wondering if they’re impressive enough to keep your attention and keep you interested, everything becomes so much easier.

Let’s say you’re on the first date and the guy looks so good on a paper. He’s good-looking, he has a good stable job, he seems to be well mannered and well spoken. Your mind goes: He’s the catch! I need to impress him to make him wanna stay. Right?!

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!

First of all, you still know nothing about him. What he seems to be, and what he really is, are two completely different things. Then why do you still want to impress him so hard. Well, to get that answer, we need to be asked the difficult question:

What do you overvalue in this person (that you still don’t know) and undervalue about yourself?

Difficult right? Yeah but necessary for you to understand. 

I used to undervalue everything about myself. My origins, my looks, my status, my intelligence, my education, and so on. So, absolutely everything. And I used to overvalue many things about men I dated and that brought me so many troubles. I used to put them on a pedestal and become blind to their flaws and red flags, and it would result in me becoming their fan. 

But, men don’t want fans unless they’re narcissists. Men want someone who knows that she’s worthy of sharing the throne with him, or in other words, someone who knows that she’s worthy of becoming his queen. 

So, turn the tables around, let him show you who he really is, what he really has to offer, and why you should want to keep him. 

 4. Get out of your head

Why dating is so hard? Mostly because we overthink everything. We become so attached to the outcome that instead of doing it right we make things worse. 

How about going on a date without having any expectations? How about imagining that you’ll see this guy today and never again? 

Would you be stressed? Would you overthink every detail? Would you try hard to impress him? Would your brain shut down every time you want to say something? Or would you simply be present at the moment? 

I know the answer. And the answer is STOP OVERTHINKING and enjoy. Instead of perceiving dating as just another daunting task on your to-do list, make it fun.

 5. Have fun

How about going on a date with one and only goal in your mind? 

Simply to have fun! 

To make your dating experience memorable for yourself. Not for him, not to fulfill your expectations to conceal your loneliness, not to conceal the shame of being single, or anything similar. But only for the sake of enjoying your life to the fullest, even when dating.

How about letting silly jokes come out, or a shameful story from your childhood? How about letting yourself be an authentic and flawed human being, who doesn’t need to impress anyone – she simply knows she’s impressive enough the way she is.